Listen

We talk 
but you do not listen.
we tell you
but you ignore.
we try to explain
but you brush it off.
we cry
but you do not hear.

you scoff
and say that nothing is wrong,
that we are okay.

watch out
we will be gone one day.

When Moms Attack

My Mom has come to visit and she has been staying with my sister, who needs her more. And it is fine by me. I see her occasionally, she comes over or we talk on the phone and chat about Korean dramas, my sister, my nieces and my Mom’s siblings.
I forgot how my Mom is. How she reacts to certain situations, her views about life and everything else and how negative, how much of a pessimist she can become.
Recently, she posted a picture of the family celebrating my son’s bday party. And I have given her explicit instructions not to post pictures of me because right now I do not look my best – I hate my hair, I am overweight and depressed.
Imagine my surprise and dread when I opened up my mail (I do not go on Facebook anymore) and got an email notification that I have been tagged in a posted picture. Sure enough, there I was in my most unflattering glory – fat hanging out, face as big as a dinner plate, guts spilling. Talk about reality staring at you right in the face.
I then immediately sent a text message to my Mom: ” OMG! I am so fat and ugly in that picture you posted!” Her reply: “hahaha, you really need to lose weight. I am watching a Korean drama”.
My co-workers tried their best to cheer me up after they saw my crest-fallen face and got the story but it just really bothered me.
I decided then and there that I will not go back home to subject myself to more criticism and negativity. I refuse to give in.

Beginnings and Endings

I cry
on endings

at the end of a movie
the end of a book
the end of a relationship
the death of a loved one.

I cry
at beginnings

when a new life comes
when two hearts join as one
when there is so much joy in my heart
when my heart overflows with love.

I cry on beginnings and endings.

 
© Greymom

You Not Me

You chased me
I did not chase you
You chose me
you forced me to choose you
you picked me
I had to pick you
You make me
But I did not make you.

© Greymom

A Million Little Pieces

My heart is breaking
a million little pieces
betrayal
hurt
anger
frustration
helplessness.

I sit here in the dark
crying silently
the tears keep falling
not stopping.

I gave up a lot for you –
my friends
my fashion sense
my freedom
my confidence
my family
my life
and now,
it feels like
all of these
were for naught.

I wish you’ll just tell me.
So I can start picking up the pieces.

©Greymom

Not Enough

i will never be enough for you
no matter how i tried
no matter what i do
no matter what i say
it is all for naught
i will not be enough for you.

which now makes me think
why the hell
do i put up with this shit?

i am enough
smart,
articulate,
nice
as most people
who truly see me
describes me as such.

i may not be enough for you
but i am happy to be me.
© Greymom 

Saying Goodbye – When Relationships Ends

Scene 1:
a woman, trying to hold back tears as she says goodbye. She quickly collects her things – cellphone, pen, paper, contents that spilled when she accidentally knocked it to the side. “This is embarrassing”, she says, as she tried so hard to hide and wipe her tears at the same time. “Don’t be”, he says, his face in her hazy vision, that of a solemn, sorry expression. He told her she will be able to get past this. He produces papers- plans, directions, she had no idea as she hastily puts them all in her purse. “Goodbye, thank you for everything”. She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t trust herself – I might break down, she thinks to herself. And so she turns her back, opens the door, at the same time fumbling with her keys. She hurriedly runs to her car, turns the ignition on. Realizes he can see her from the window, she backs out and drives off.

Scene 2:
It was only after she turned on the next street did she let her tears fall away. Sobs, wails, breaks down, big fat ugly tears. The sound so foreign she didn’t think it was coming from her. And she couldn’t stop it. How could he? He knows the last one left her too. He could have been more gentle instead of just ripping the band aid off.
She drives, crying and driving in rush hour traffic. Not really caring if somebody sees her. Her whole body quakes as she sobs – continuously, endlessly.

Scenes from a movie? No, this is real life – the emotions are real. The pain is felt deep to the core.
This was me. Today, when my psychiatrist told me he is leaving.

I love going to the movies – seeing these images that tugs at your heart strings and you feel bad for the actors in the movie, for all the pain they are going through. Certain scenes, events, resonates with you and you feel sympathetic.

In this, I am the actor. Except —
I was not acting.

I feel like someone in my life, in my world – not the movie world, died.

And I am left to pick up the pieces.

Regrets

One thing that I will always regret for the rest of my life is breaking up with my then boyfriend of more than 3 years via a Dear John letter.

I am so ashamed that I did this.

It sounded like a good idea at that time – less drama, ripping the band-aid off and closing a chapter in my life. Plus I was peer pressured into doing it.

But he deserved better. Even if he cheated on me first by hooking up with a girl while we were together. Two wrongs don’t make a right. For his family though, never mind that he was the one who wronged me first, I will forever be that bitch who broke their pretty boy’s heart.

It has been so long now, ancient history, really. But there are some moments in your life that sticks to your memory forever, something that will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

This was one of them.