Beginnings and Endings

I cry
on endings

at the end of a movie
the end of a book
the end of a relationship
the death of a loved one.

I cry
at beginnings

when a new life comes
when two hearts join as one
when there is so much joy in my heart
when my heart overflows with love.

I cry on beginnings and endings.

 
© Greymom

You Not Me

You chased me
I did not chase you
You chose me
you forced me to choose you
you picked me
I had to pick you
You make me
But I did not make you.

© Greymom

Published in: on March 24, 2016 at 10:40 pm  Comments (2)  
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A Million Little Pieces 

My heart is breaking
a million little pieces
betrayal
hurt
anger
frustration
helplessness.

I sit here in the dark
crying silently
the tears keep falling
not stopping.

I gave up a lot for you –
my friends
my fashion sense
my freedom
my confidence
my family
my life
and now,
it feels like
all of these
were for naught.

I wish you’ll just tell me.
So I can start picking up the pieces.

©Greymom

Not Enough

i will never be enough for you
no matter how i tried
no matter what i do
no matter what i say
it is all for naught
i will not be enough for you.

which now makes me think
why the hell
do i put up with this shit?

i am enough
smart,
articulate,
nice
as most people
who truly see me
describes me as such.

i may not be enough for you
but i am happy to be me.
© Greymom 

Published in: on March 20, 2016 at 12:53 am  Comments (2)  
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Saying Goodbye – When Relationships Ends

image

Scene 1:
a woman, trying to hold back tears as she says goodbye. She quickly collects her things – cellphone, pen, paper, contents that spilled when she accidentally knocked it to the side. “This is embarrassing”, she says, as she tried so hard to hide and wipe her tears at the same time. “Don’t be”, he says, his face in her hazy vision, that of a solemn, sorry expression. He told her she will be able to get past this. He produces papers- plans, directions, she had no idea as she hastily puts them all in her purse. “Goodbye, thank you for everything”. She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t trust herself – I might break down, she thinks to herself. And so she turns her back, opens the door, at the same time fumbling with her keys. She hurriedly runs to her car, turns the ignition on. Realizes he can see her from the window, she backs out and drives off.

Scene 2:
It was only after she turned on the next street did she let her tears fall away. Sobs, wails, breaks down, big fat ugly tears. The sound so foreign she didn’t think it was coming from her. And she couldn’t stop it. How could he? He knows the last one left her too. He could have been more gentle instead of just ripping the band aid off.
She drives, crying and driving in rush hour traffic. Not really caring if somebody sees her. Her whole body quakes as she sobs – continuously, endlessly.

Scenes from a movie? No, this is real life – the emotions are real. The pain is felt deep to the core.
This was me. Today, when my psychiatrist told me he is leaving.

I love going to the movies – seeing these images that tugs at your heart strings and you feel bad for the actors in the movie, for all the pain they are going through. Certain scenes, events, resonates with you and you feel sympathetic.

In this, I am the actor. Except —
I was not acting.

I feel like someone in my life, in my world – not the movie world, died.

And I am left to pick up the pieces.

Regrets

One thing that I will always regret for the rest of my life is breaking up with my then boyfriend of more than 3 years via a Dear John letter.

I am so ashamed that I did this.

It sounded like a good idea at that time – less drama, ripping the band-aid off and closing a chapter in my life. Plus I was peer pressured into doing it.

But he deserved better. Even if he cheated on me first by hooking up with a girl while we were together. Two wrongs don’t make a right. For his family though, never mind that he was the one who wronged me first, I will forever be that bitch who broke their pretty boy’s heart.

It has been so long now, ancient history, really. But there are some moments in your life that sticks to your memory forever, something that will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

This was one of them.

 

Published in: on July 26, 2014 at 2:03 am  Comments (2)  
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