I’m Not Okay


It’s Christmas time and yes I am afraid. Because for some unknown reason, every Christmas to me marks a time of sadness, darkness, frustration and helplessness.

Today, my husband and I put up the tree. And my mood quickly went from uncaring to somber. I tried to go on and hoped that he wouldn’t notice. But he did. He tried by changing the music – not Christmas music, I said. And he did change it but my mood just didn’t perk up. I tried to do things- get stuff from the attic, getting the boys to help and decoration with what I have on hand. He asked me again: “are you okay”
Me: “I am not okay”
Him:”what can I do to help you?”
Me: “nothing, just don’t mind me”
Him : “because it affects me, you know?”
And the tone was in the snap-out-of-it-because-I’m-sick-of-it tone. The it-is-affecting-my-mood-and-I-hate-to-be-bothered. He wanted me to change my mood because it is such an inconvenience to him.

So here I am again. I thought I was okay.
But I am not.

Life Goes On

We all do what we think is necessary in order to survive. We deal with what is handed to us and try to do the best we can. And then hope against hope that whatever decisions we make will be the right one.

But that is not always the case. We make mistakes, we learn from our mistakes, and then move on.

For some, this is how life goes. For some, we get stuck in a rut and bang our heads for being the “losers” that we are.

Life is hard. We have all these emotions that we try our best to control, to express, to feel. And sometimes we let it get the best of us – we do things without thinking it through, not caring about the outcome or what the ramifications are. And then we try our best to move on.

Life goes on, whether we want to or not.

Published in: on December 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm  Leave a Comment