Brain Dead 

I thought that I have chased the demons away

The cobwebs that slowly crept in my brain

The fog that covers my mind

The emptiness, the blank, the hollow.

But – 

They’re back

Or maybe

They never left. 

Of Christmas trees and flickering lights 

  For the first time in forever,
there was no sadness nor loneliness.
None of the melancholy I feel
every Christmas time.

The tree is up,
the lights are on
and I am so glad to be home.

Lost

I cry
For the me that i lost
For the me that was strong
For the me who says what she wants to say,
do what she wants to do

I wish
One day I will find my voice
I will stand up on my own,
say what I want to say
Do what i want to do.

I wonder
When
And how
And where?

Published in: on October 7, 2016 at 10:13 pm  Leave a Comment  

You Without Me

I only see you in pictures now
Not ones you send, no.

We do not talk
we do not communicate
Instead we observe each other
from a distance
both not wanting to let
the other know.

Today I saw a picture of you –
being happy without me
having a life outside
of us
of what we used to be.

You are better off without me
you are where you should be
you deserve
someone
anyone
but me.

Beginnings and Endings

I cry
on endings

at the end of a movie
the end of a book
the end of a relationship
the death of a loved one.

I cry
at beginnings

when a new life comes
when two hearts join as one
when there is so much joy in my heart
when my heart overflows with love.

I cry on beginnings and endings.

 
© Greymom

You Not Me

You chased me
I did not chase you
You chose me
you forced me to choose you
you picked me
I had to pick you
You make me
But I did not make you.

© Greymom

Published in: on March 24, 2016 at 10:40 pm  Comments (2)  
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A Million Little Pieces 

My heart is breaking
a million little pieces
betrayal
hurt
anger
frustration
helplessness.

I sit here in the dark
crying silently
the tears keep falling
not stopping.

I gave up a lot for you –
my friends
my fashion sense
my freedom
my confidence
my family
my life
and now,
it feels like
all of these
were for naught.

I wish you’ll just tell me.
So I can start picking up the pieces.

©Greymom

This is Not a Valentine Post 

I never celebrated Valentine’s day. I find it cheesy, tacky and corny. The closest I celebrated Valentine’s Day is the day after. When all the madness has died down. Where all the shelves have been emptied of anything heart-shaped. And the only flowers left are carnations, tulips, lilies, orchids and anything that is not a rose. 

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a boquet of roses, chocolates and the mushy greeting card but not on a day when it feels like it is being shoved down our throats. It feels like being ordered: “be romantic!”, “show her you care”, “express it with a card”.  Ain’t love supposed to be spontaneous?

Maybe in the beginnings of a relationship where the guy puts the best foot forward, he gives it his all – flowers, chocolates, dinner and a movie -the whole shebang! And as the relationship progresses, it gets old; practicality wins over romance. 

I have been married for a little over than 20 years now and I experienced firsthand how this all goes down. I never expect anything but husband has bought me roses or orchids, chocolate and a mushy card every Valentine’s day. This year though – no flowers, no chocolates, no card. Instead I got – an Apple watch.  

 He has been dropping hints and asking me when I will come back to running again and when I ask him if I look fat, he says: “a little bit”. He initially wanted to buy me a fit bit but I didn’t want it because: 1. everybody has it and I refuse to be amongst the many 2. I have a latex allergy and after seeing my sister’s rashes on her wrist, that just validated my point. Sure there are the pocket ones or the ones you can clip on your bra but I have no desire to put any more implements to my body. I was adamant about not getting one and husband finally gave it a rest – or so I thought. He went and bought me “the watch”.

I have never been a fan of the newest gadgets. Sure I love the efficiency, portability and usefulness but the frugal me would rather not spend that much money on something, specifically electronic and flashy. 

So believe me when I say I feel ashamed of using this watch. Not to be ungrateful or anything but I do not think this is practical. He insists I deserve it but I think he just feels guilty that he did not get me anything for Christmas and wedding anniversary (not even dinner). So I guess, you know what? I think I’ll enjoy my watch. Even though the damn thing tells me when to stand when I am sitting for prolonged periods. 

Published in: on February 18, 2016 at 11:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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