Mistakes 

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From a previous entry from my old blog

October 13th, 2006, 08:47 am

My favorite quote of the week – Grey’s Anatomy

“Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. The stakes are painful. They’re the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. And I know what I want.” (from GA season 3 epi 3)
Here’s my take:

We all make mistakes especially in our youth and later on, it kind of defines who we are. We learn from our mistakes and hope against hope we don’t commit the same mistakes. People get hurt along the way. Sometimes not deliberately. Some people will never forgive us for our mistakes, as if they never committed mistakes in their lives themselves. But we go on with our lives and do the best that we can.

Not everyone gets second chances, sometimes they are branded for life. Some people never get back on their feet and buries themselves deeper in sorrow and anguish and depression. Others bounce right back, shrug it off and just do the best they can. I would like to believe I belong to the latter. I did encounter lots of trials and tribulations and I have managed to emerge a well rounded person (I hope). I think those mistakes that I made in my youth made me a better person. And I know what I want. I am older and wiser and I have learned a lot from my mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to learn and live.

image credits: google

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Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Live and Let Go 

I stare at him across the table. He looks tired but still manages to tell us about his day – how this is one of the busiest time at his workplace and how he was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. We listen to him, his brother looks on, hanging on his every word. His Dad nods as they sit side by side. 

He said he is working more hours, one of his co-workers he really likes is moving away and so is his manager. He is sad, he says but is okay. He is growing up, my son. 

He moved away, after all, to be independent. And so far he seems to be doing fine. 

I, however, am not.  

I still feel sad whenever he leaves, I miss him a lot. I can’t help but get all choked up whenever I pass by his room. His door that creaks whenever he opens it is now eerily silent.

 I keep his bed clean with crisp sheets, his favorite comforter and his fleece blanket in the hopes that he will once again lay there. 

Each time he comes to visit, I drop everything and make sure I give him my full attention. I over feed him and make him take more food – from the fridge, the pantry, the table. 

It doesn’t get easier. Each time he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart. I hug him and tell him I love him, be careful driving. He assures me he will and that he loves me too. 

He leaves and I stay standing at the door until his car is no longer visible. I go back to whatever I was doing, trying hard to make it as I die a thousand times deep inside. 

  

 

Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 12:17 am  Comments (2)  

You’re Beautiful 

People have always compared me and my sister. Born a year apart, my mom would dress us in the exact same clothes, confusing people into thinking we were twins. Until the day when people “branded” us. She’s the pretty one and I was the smart one. Some would look at us and say to my sister: “oh you’ve grown up so beautifully” and then turns to me and says “don’t worry, you’re the smart one”. I felt like I was the consolation prize. 

Up to this day, we are still being compared. Especially since she has the boobs, pretty and younger looking and I am shorter, flat-chested and plain looking. And now that she has moved in with us, people are still making observations about how we look alike but so different. She’s the better version, the latest model and I am last year’s fashion. 

My husband, bless his heart, insists that I am beautiful. I want to believe him, I do. But it is so hard since the day we were together and people were wondering why he picked me. My own mother even made a remark: “oh he likes her because he found out she has a crush on him”. And because of that, I made a vow to make the relationship work. Because I wanted to prove her wrong. 

Add to this, I gained weight recently due to a new medication I am taking. So now I am not only plain, shorter and flat-chested, I am also fat. 

Forgive my rant – I am suffering from very low self-esteem. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  

image credits : mujerde10.com

Published in: on November 18, 2015 at 8:00 pm  Comments (2)  
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Don’t Worry, Be Happy 

  

My older son recently moved out. He has been out of our home for a little over a month now and I can finally talk about it without my eyes glossing over. 

It was bittersweet when he asked our permission that he was moving out. We were happy that he is spreading his wings and broadening his horizons. That he will finally learn to be independent. After all, one of my daily sermons was: “your Dad and I will not be here forever so try to learn how to fend for yourself”. But suddenly when you are in that moment, no matter how much you prepare, it is still a sad event. 

The first 3 days went on, my husband broke down on the 3rd day. He was bawling like I’ve never seen him since his Dad’s death 20 years ago. I comforted him and he was impressed that I was taking it much better than he is. 

Until the 7th day. 

It hit me at the cleaning aisle of the Home Depot, which, thank God, ws empty. Turns out mine was a delayed reaction. 

Fast forward and today marks the 38th day and my younger son’s bday. We all met at the restaurant. He came in hurriedly from work. “Sorry”, he says “I hope you all didn’t have to wait long”. He looked happy as he animatedly recounted his kitchen adventures and how he is teaching his 2 roommates how to cook as well. How he started his work-out regime and his “portion-control-and-not-a-lot-of-carbs/rice” diet. He looked good, healthy and happy. 

And just like that – everything is alright with my world again.

 

Published in: on November 8, 2015 at 9:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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Awake 

  
Lying awake at 1:27 am

Trying to find the words

What am I feeling? 

Why can’t I sleep? 

How do I make myself go to sleep? 

Maybe I need to talk to my therapist

It has been a while since I went. 

Maybe the tea I drank is keeping me awake

Maybe I have been used to sleeping alone

And now that he is back, 

My world has changed again. 
© Greymom 

Published in: on November 7, 2015 at 2:38 am  Leave a Comment  

Solitude

I stay in the darkness as nocturnal creatures make their presence known with their sounds. My mind is blank and I have no idea what to do. I have no desire to clean or organize – my usual habits to kill time and feel a sense of accomplishment. I hear cars passing by, night owls who are just starting their day. I was once one of them – enjoying the bright lights and loud music. I am no more. 

I do not feel sad or lonely. I am just uneasy. I feel like I should be doing something productive, that I should be filling my time with activities or catching up on my reading. I have no desire to do anything. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark sunroom. Listening to chirps and frog calls and cars whizzing by. 

I am alone. But not lonely. 
© Greymom 

Published in: on November 6, 2015 at 9:58 pm  Leave a Comment  
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