Death of a Parent

It has been a while and so many events transpired and there are so many times when I want to get back to writing but failed.

My Dad died.
It has been 6 months but I am still not okay. And it’s very surprising to me as we were never close. In fact, we fought a lot and we never saw eye-to-eye. When he died a sudden death, I cried initially – at the suddenness of the event. He was healthy, never sick.
A lot of people said sudden is better as there is no suffering. But sudden also meant not being able to prepare, not being able to say goodbye, not being able to say “I love you” for the first and last time.

His death did not hit me until 2 months later.
I suddenly realized that no matter how strained, broken or dysfunctional our relationship was, he was still my Father. And the loss hit me like a ton of bricks.

I found out grief is not a constant state of being. It comes and goes and it hits you at times, unexpected, sudden.

It has been 6 months. I am better but still grieving.

A parent is still a parent. A child is still a child.
Death changes things.
Regrets are always at the end.

When Moms Attack

My Mom has come to visit and she has been staying with my sister, who needs her more. And it is fine by me. I see her occasionally, she comes over or we talk on the phone and chat about Korean dramas, my sister, my nieces and my Mom’s siblings.
I forgot how my Mom is. How she reacts to certain situations, her views about life and everything else and how negative, how much of a pessimist she can become.
Recently, she posted a picture of the family celebrating my son’s bday party. And I have given her explicit instructions not to post pictures of me because right now I do not look my best – I hate my hair, I am overweight and depressed.
Imagine my surprise and dread when I opened up my mail (I do not go on Facebook anymore) and got an email notification that I have been tagged in a posted picture. Sure enough, there I was in my most unflattering glory – fat hanging out, face as big as a dinner plate, guts spilling. Talk about reality staring at you right in the face.
I then immediately sent a text message to my Mom: ” OMG! I am so fat and ugly in that picture you posted!” Her reply: “hahaha, you really need to lose weight. I am watching a Korean drama”.
My co-workers tried their best to cheer me up after they saw my crest-fallen face and got the story but it just really bothered me.
I decided then and there that I will not go back home to subject myself to more criticism and negativity. I refuse to give in.

I’m Not Here

Today was a weird day.
As if I was living a life not my own –
doing things that were common
yet alien to me.
As if I was watching a movie
and not living another day in my life .
As if I was there
but not.
And at the end of the day,
I am still unable to shake the feeling.
I was here.
But not. 

Published in: on May 21, 2017 at 2:47 am  Leave a Comment  
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Beginnings and Endings

I cry
on endings

at the end of a movie
the end of a book
the end of a relationship
the death of a loved one.

I cry
at beginnings

when a new life comes
when two hearts join as one
when there is so much joy in my heart
when my heart overflows with love.

I cry on beginnings and endings.

© Greymom

This is Not a Valentine Post 

I never celebrated Valentine’s day. I find it cheesy, tacky and corny. The closest I celebrated Valentine’s Day is the day after. When all the madness has died down. Where all the shelves have been emptied of anything heart-shaped. And the only flowers left are carnations, tulips, lilies, orchids and anything that is not a rose. 

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a boquet of roses, chocolates and the mushy greeting card but not on a day when it feels like it is being shoved down our throats. It feels like being ordered: “be romantic!”, “show her you care”, “express it with a card”.  Ain’t love supposed to be spontaneous?

Maybe in the beginnings of a relationship where the guy puts the best foot forward, he gives it his all – flowers, chocolates, dinner and a movie -the whole shebang! And as the relationship progresses, it gets old; practicality wins over romance. 

I have been married for a little over than 20 years now and I experienced firsthand how this all goes down. I never expect anything but husband has bought me roses or orchids, chocolate and a mushy card every Valentine’s day. This year though – no flowers, no chocolates, no card. Instead I got – an Apple watch.  

 He has been dropping hints and asking me when I will come back to running again and when I ask him if I look fat, he says: “a little bit”. He initially wanted to buy me a fit bit but I didn’t want it because: 1. everybody has it and I refuse to be amongst the many 2. I have a latex allergy and after seeing my sister’s rashes on her wrist, that just validated my point. Sure there are the pocket ones or the ones you can clip on your bra but I have no desire to put any more implements to my body. I was adamant about not getting one and husband finally gave it a rest – or so I thought. He went and bought me “the watch”.

I have never been a fan of the newest gadgets. Sure I love the efficiency, portability and usefulness but the frugal me would rather not spend that much money on something, specifically electronic and flashy. 

So believe me when I say I feel ashamed of using this watch. Not to be ungrateful or anything but I do not think this is practical. He insists I deserve it but I think he just feels guilty that he did not get me anything for Christmas and wedding anniversary (not even dinner). So I guess, you know what? I think I’ll enjoy my watch. Even though the damn thing tells me when to stand when I am sitting for prolonged periods. 

Published in: on February 18, 2016 at 11:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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F*ck Love 

I just finished a book today. It was a really good book. So good that I had to copy all the beautiful, poignant and sensitive sentences. And this is the most that I had to copy all the quotes from from any book I have read. It was just full of insightful wisdom that made me reflect and contemplate about life, love, friendship and bravery. 

The book is called F*ck Love by Tarryn Fisher. 

The reviews on this book are mixed. The subject is indeed a little sensitive – falling inlove with your best friend’s boyfriend, which I do not agree on, most certainly. For me – it is such a relationship, dealbreaker event. There is the girl code: chicks before dicks. You never ever date your friend’s boyfriend – present or past. But the book is more than that. It’s about being brave and serendipity and the power of true love. 

There are so many memorable quotes in this book – 
“Don’t be upset that you can’t attain constant happiness. It’s the quickest way to feel like a failure in life. If each of our lives represented a page in a book, happiness would be the punctuation. It breaks up the parts that are too long. It closes off some things, divides others. But it’s brief—showing up when it’s needed and filling tired paragraphs with breaks. Being content is a more attainable constant state. To love your fate without being drunk on euphoria. Brave, determined acceptance removed of bitterness. Be gentle with yourself. Embrace the lows so that you can more effectively enjoy the highs. Love the fight. Love it so much, and let it save you when your emotional muscles have become soft”

“No one tells you that it hurts this much to be a grown-up. That people are so complicated they end up hurting each other to self preserve”

“Life is but a carousel of four seasons. Unpredictable for the most part. Happy. Unhappy. Content. Searching. Mess up the “order, and they still rebound at one point or another. I’ve learned that revolution can be inward or outward. A move across the country to gain perspective. A change of heart and mind to gain sanity. But the point is to revolt when the season changes. If only to quench your thirst, revolt.”

“I want him to be happy.”
“That’s easy to say until the person you love is happy with someone else. Girls always choose men, and men always choose the wrong girls. It’s an endless cycle.”

And so on…. 
I hated that the book ended. As in the case of any boook that I read – I get invested in the characters. I become the main character in the book, or it will feel like watching a movie, going to places I’ve never been. I see a little of myself in some or all of the characters. They do things I want to do, things I am not brave enough to try, they say the words that I cannot articulate. And I live vicariously through these characters. 

And as always, I hated that the book ended. And so I look back at the quotes, sentences, paragraphs that I copied from the book, as I do with other books and song lyrics. 

Until the next book, movie, tv show and song. 

Published in: on February 8, 2016 at 12:05 am  Comments (8)  
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There are so many things I want to do – stitch, write, organize, clean, watch a movie, take down fall decor and put up Christmas ones, and so on and so forth. But I do not know what to do. 

It’s Friday night and it is supposed to be the start of the weekend. I can drink a glass of wine, stay up late, have fun without thinking of work the next day. But instead I sit here pounding on my keyboard. 

I have always been a restless soul. I feel like I am constantly in search of something. What that something is, I do not know. All I know is that I must find that something and maybe then I will be restless no more. 

I wake up periodically at night. Almost every hour. I just randomly open my eyes, stare at the bedside clock and try my best to go back to sleep. And I love sleep, I love my naps. The funny thing is that I sleep more soundly when I am not in my own house. Last week when we were in Delaware, I slept like a baby. Not even getting up to pee in the middle of the night. Maybe it was the fact that we were on vacation and I do not have to think about anything else.

I should be doing something right now. My mind is alive but my body refuses to budge. 

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. 

Published in: on December 4, 2015 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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From a previous entry from my old blog

October 13th, 2006, 08:47 am

My favorite quote of the week – Grey’s Anatomy

“Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. The stakes are painful. They’re the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. And I know what I want.” (from GA season 3 epi 3)
Here’s my take:

We all make mistakes especially in our youth and later on, it kind of defines who we are. We learn from our mistakes and hope against hope we don’t commit the same mistakes. People get hurt along the way. Sometimes not deliberately. Some people will never forgive us for our mistakes, as if they never committed mistakes in their lives themselves. But we go on with our lives and do the best that we can.

Not everyone gets second chances, sometimes they are branded for life. Some people never get back on their feet and buries themselves deeper in sorrow and anguish and depression. Others bounce right back, shrug it off and just do the best they can. I would like to believe I belong to the latter. I did encounter lots of trials and tribulations and I have managed to emerge a well rounded person (I hope). I think those mistakes that I made in my youth made me a better person. And I know what I want. I am older and wiser and I have learned a lot from my mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to learn and live.

image credits: google

Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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