Moving On 

And so I survived the blow

Now trying to pick up the pieces.

One step at a time.

Everybody deserves a second chance, I know

But there will never be a third. 

Published in: on August 8, 2017 at 11:25 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Of Disrespect and Total Disregard

I just had a really painful experience. It was so painful that I felt, I feel – like my heart is literally breaking into pieces. And it hurts and I am still hurting. 

My husband has this lady friend who, before I came in the picture, was a friend who has been romantically linked to him. They were never officially together but were paired by their group of friends. And I remember that when he and I officially started dating, he had to meet with her one time and when he came back from meeting her and met me he said : “I just lost a friend”. He never did elaborate and silly me, blinded with love and adoration never questioned what it meant and why us being together meant the two of them not being “friends” anymore. 

Fast forward now and we are married, lady friend is also married. Lady friend is now living in a different state while her husband lives overseas. Husband and lady friend communicated once in a while especially when a common friend of theirs got seriously ill and eventually died. Husband and lady friend met up with a couple of friends and had pictures on Facebook to prove it. However, it was after that trip when I noticed husband “liked” each and every one of lady friend’s pictures. And he refused to go on a weekend getaway with me as well. I was really hurt and told him so. And I felt that something was rekindled during that meeting. Call it women’s instinct but I felt it. Husband denies it and laughed at me and told me I am being ridiculous. 

A few days ago, husband said lady friend is visiting our area with her kids. Husband said to me: “we can just meet them in a restaurant”. I told him: “you can go, I will not. I am not comfortable”. Thursday was the day when they were supposed to arrive but they came too late so lady friend said “go ahead and rest as we ran into traffic and will be checking in the hotel late.”  I silently breathed a sigh of relief because we are supposed to go out of town on Friday and husband did tell lady friend about it. That night, the out of town trip was called off because the people we were going to stay with we’re unavailable as their whole family was sick. 

But it turns out that husband told lady friend that we are not going to be out of town after all so we can meet up at a restaurant. Husband again asked me and I said “no, I told you yesterday, I am not coming”. He asked the boys to accompany him but the boys refused. 

And he still wanted to go. He had changed into outside clothes when I lost it! 

I was yelling at the top of my lungs: ” I cannot believe that you are still going even though I told you that I do not feel comfortable about this! And we had an out! How will they know that we did not push through with our out of town plans?”  He was yelling back: ” I cannot believe you, she is a friend and nothing more and I just want to meet up as friends!” 

I said: “put yourself in my place” to which he replied:”I’m fine with it because I trust you”. I tried to explain that this is not about trust – it is about being considerate as to what your partner feels about the whole situation. Why do you still insist on going when you know how hurt I am about this whole thing? 

He didn’t get the point. He still thinks that he is innocent, that I am over reacting, that I am being jealous and unreasonable. 

Sunday was Father’s Day so we made peace. 

But it is now Monday and I am still hurting. 

I am hoping that by writing this down, that the pain will ease a bit. 

I hope the pain goes away. 

You Without Me

I only see you in pictures now
Not ones you send, no.

We do not talk
we do not communicate
Instead we observe each other
from a distance
both not wanting to let
the other know.

Today I saw a picture of you –
being happy without me
having a life outside
of us
of what we used to be.

You are better off without me
you are where you should be
you deserve
someone
anyone
but me.

You Not Me

You chased me
I did not chase you
You chose me
you forced me to choose you
you picked me
I had to pick you
You make me
But I did not make you.

© Greymom

Published in: on March 24, 2016 at 10:40 pm  Comments (2)  
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A Million Little Pieces 

My heart is breaking
a million little pieces
betrayal
hurt
anger
frustration
helplessness.

I sit here in the dark
crying silently
the tears keep falling
not stopping.

I gave up a lot for you –
my friends
my fashion sense
my freedom
my confidence
my family
my life
and now,
it feels like
all of these
were for naught.

I wish you’ll just tell me.
So I can start picking up the pieces.

©Greymom

A Mother’s Concerns

I worry about him constantly, endlessly

Is he eating okay?

When he’s driving in the rain, does he turn his lights on?

When he comes home late, is it safe for him to walk to his apartment?

Is he working too much? Taking on extra shifts?

Does he get along well with his roommates? 

Do they all chip in and doesn’t let him cook all the time?

Does he miss us as much as we miss him?

Will he ever come back home? 

Does this get any easier? 
© Greymom 

Live and Let Go 

I stare at him across the table. He looks tired but still manages to tell us about his day – how this is one of the busiest time at his workplace and how he was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. We listen to him, his brother looks on, hanging on his every word. His Dad nods as they sit side by side. 

He said he is working more hours, one of his co-workers he really likes is moving away and so is his manager. He is sad, he says but is okay. He is growing up, my son. 

He moved away, after all, to be independent. And so far he seems to be doing fine. 

I, however, am not.  

I still feel sad whenever he leaves, I miss him a lot. I can’t help but get all choked up whenever I pass by his room. His door that creaks whenever he opens it is now eerily silent.

 I keep his bed clean with crisp sheets, his favorite comforter and his fleece blanket in the hopes that he will once again lay there. 

Each time he comes to visit, I drop everything and make sure I give him my full attention. I over feed him and make him take more food – from the fridge, the pantry, the table. 

It doesn’t get easier. Each time he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart. I hug him and tell him I love him, be careful driving. He assures me he will and that he loves me too. 

He leaves and I stay standing at the door until his car is no longer visible. I go back to whatever I was doing, trying hard to make it as I die a thousand times deep inside. 

  

 

Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 12:17 am  Comments (2)  

Ashley Madison-ish Dreams

  

I have long been having these recurrent dreams concerning an ex and it has always bothered me. I feel like I have cheated even though it is just in my dreams. I feel guilty the next day and at the same time I question myself: Aren’t dreams supposed to be your subconscious telling you something? That your deepest wishes comes out in your dreams? And even though I will forever have these what if’s in my life, I think that we are both better off without each other – my ex and I. No, he is better off without me. So why the dream when I have reconciled this particular what if in my life? 

Today, I finally got my answer. Thank God for my therapist who is so worth the $30.00 co-pay. 

She explained that considering all the stress that I have been under lately, it is but normal for me to subconsciously go back to my innocent, happy point in my life. Which happens to be during the time I was with my ex. She said that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I wanted it to happen or that I wish I was back together with him, it is some sort of a coping mechanism for me. We tend to retreat to somewhere comfortable and familiar, she said. 

I have always thought it was just me. Today I finally found out that this is pretty common. 

Hey, I’m normal after all. No membership to Ashley Madison neccessary.