Death of a Parent

It has been a while and so many events transpired and there are so many times when I want to get back to writing but failed.

My Dad died.
It has been 6 months but I am still not okay. And it’s very surprising to me as we were never close. In fact, we fought a lot and we never saw eye-to-eye. When he died a sudden death, I cried initially – at the suddenness of the event. He was healthy, never sick.
A lot of people said sudden is better as there is no suffering. But sudden also meant not being able to prepare, not being able to say goodbye, not being able to say “I love you” for the first and last time.

His death did not hit me until 2 months later.
I suddenly realized that no matter how strained, broken or dysfunctional our relationship was, he was still my Father. And the loss hit me like a ton of bricks.

I found out grief is not a constant state of being. It comes and goes and it hits you at times, unexpected, sudden.

It has been 6 months. I am better but still grieving.

A parent is still a parent. A child is still a child.
Death changes things.
Regrets are always at the end.

Regret

I start the new year with feelings of guilt and regret – not a good way to start, I know. But I cannot help but feel this way because of things I didn’t do and should’ve done. Because of wrong decisions and errors in judgment. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I honestly thought that I have stepped out of the shadows. That I have finally found my voice. That I have been freed of the chains that held me for years. But as it turns out, I have not. I am still here – imprisoned and guilty and inferior.

The temporary freedom, the brief moment of euphoria has elapsed.

And I am still here.

Back in the prison,still in the shadows,

still small.

Listen

We talk 
but you do not listen.
we tell you
but you ignore.
we try to explain
but you brush it off.
we cry
but you do not hear.

you scoff
and say that nothing is wrong,
that we are okay.

watch out
we will be gone one day.

When Moms Attack

My Mom has come to visit and she has been staying with my sister, who needs her more. And it is fine by me. I see her occasionally, she comes over or we talk on the phone and chat about Korean dramas, my sister, my nieces and my Mom’s siblings.
I forgot how my Mom is. How she reacts to certain situations, her views about life and everything else and how negative, how much of a pessimist she can become.
Recently, she posted a picture of the family celebrating my son’s bday party. And I have given her explicit instructions not to post pictures of me because right now I do not look my best – I hate my hair, I am overweight and depressed.
Imagine my surprise and dread when I opened up my mail (I do not go on Facebook anymore) and got an email notification that I have been tagged in a posted picture. Sure enough, there I was in my most unflattering glory – fat hanging out, face as big as a dinner plate, guts spilling. Talk about reality staring at you right in the face.
I then immediately sent a text message to my Mom: ” OMG! I am so fat and ugly in that picture you posted!” Her reply: “hahaha, you really need to lose weight. I am watching a Korean drama”.
My co-workers tried their best to cheer me up after they saw my crest-fallen face and got the story but it just really bothered me.
I decided then and there that I will not go back home to subject myself to more criticism and negativity. I refuse to give in.

Moving On

And so I survived the blow

Now trying to pick up the pieces.

One step at a time.

Everybody deserves a second chance, I know

But there will never be a third. 

Of Disrespect and Total Disregard

I just had a really painful experience. It was so painful that I felt, I feel – like my heart is literally breaking into pieces. And it hurts and I am still hurting. 

My husband has this lady friend who, before I came in the picture, was a friend who has been romantically linked to him. They were never officially together but were paired by their group of friends. And I remember that when he and I officially started dating, he had to meet with her one time and when he came back from meeting her and met me he said : “I just lost a friend”. He never did elaborate and silly me, blinded with love and adoration never questioned what it meant and why us being together meant the two of them not being “friends” anymore. 

Fast forward now and we are married, lady friend is also married. Lady friend is now living in a different state while her husband lives overseas. Husband and lady friend communicated once in a while especially when a common friend of theirs got seriously ill and eventually died. Husband and lady friend met up with a couple of friends and had pictures on Facebook to prove it. However, it was after that trip when I noticed husband “liked” each and every one of lady friend’s pictures. And he refused to go on a weekend getaway with me as well. I was really hurt and told him so. And I felt that something was rekindled during that meeting. Call it women’s instinct but I felt it. Husband denies it and laughed at me and told me I am being ridiculous. 

A few days ago, husband said lady friend is visiting our area with her kids. Husband said to me: “we can just meet them in a restaurant”. I told him: “you can go, I will not. I am not comfortable”. Thursday was the day when they were supposed to arrive but they came too late so lady friend said “go ahead and rest as we ran into traffic and will be checking in the hotel late.”  I silently breathed a sigh of relief because we are supposed to go out of town on Friday and husband did tell lady friend about it. That night, the out of town trip was called off because the people we were going to stay with we’re unavailable as their whole family was sick. 

But it turns out that husband told lady friend that we are not going to be out of town after all so we can meet up at a restaurant. Husband again asked me and I said “no, I told you yesterday, I am not coming”. He asked the boys to accompany him but the boys refused. 

And he still wanted to go. He had changed into outside clothes when I lost it! 

I was yelling at the top of my lungs: ” I cannot believe that you are still going even though I told you that I do not feel comfortable about this! And we had an out! How will they know that we did not push through with our out of town plans?”  He was yelling back: ” I cannot believe you, she is a friend and nothing more and I just want to meet up as friends!” 

I said: “put yourself in my place” to which he replied:”I’m fine with it because I trust you”. I tried to explain that this is not about trust – it is about being considerate as to what your partner feels about the whole situation. Why do you still insist on going when you know how hurt I am about this whole thing? 

He didn’t get the point. He still thinks that he is innocent, that I am over reacting, that I am being jealous and unreasonable. 

Sunday was Father’s Day so we made peace. 

But it is now Monday and I am still hurting. 

I am hoping that by writing this down, that the pain will ease a bit. 

I hope the pain goes away. 

I’m Not Here

Today was a weird day.
Surreal.
As if I was living a life not my own –
doing things that were common
yet alien to me.
As if I was watching a movie
and not living another day in my life .
As if I was there
but not.
And at the end of the day,
I am still unable to shake the feeling.
I was here.
But not. 

Windy Days and Cool Nights

There is something
about windy days
and cool nights
that takes me back to the past.
I turn pensive
and I pause
feel the wind on my face,
look up at the sky,
at the stars
and I smile.
I remember
the me
I used to be.