Of Disrespect and Total Disregard

I just had a really painful experience. It was so painful that I felt, I feel – like my heart is literally breaking into pieces. And it hurts and I am still hurting. 

My husband has this lady friend who, before I came in the picture, was a friend who has been romantically linked to him. They were never officially together but were paired by their group of friends. And I remember that when he and I officially started dating, he had to meet with her one time and when he came back from meeting her and met me he said : “I just lost a friend”. He never did elaborate and silly me, blinded with love and adoration never questioned what it meant and why us being together meant the two of them not being “friends” anymore. 

Fast forward now and we are married, lady friend is also married. Lady friend is now living in a different state while her husband lives overseas. Husband and lady friend communicated once in a while especially when a common friend of theirs got seriously ill and eventually died. Husband and lady friend met up with a couple of friends and had pictures on Facebook to prove it. However, it was after that trip when I noticed husband “liked” each and every one of lady friend’s pictures. And he refused to go on a weekend getaway with me as well. I was really hurt and told him so. And I felt that something was rekindled during that meeting. Call it women’s instinct but I felt it. Husband denies it and laughed at me and told me I am being ridiculous. 

A few days ago, husband said lady friend is visiting our area with her kids. Husband said to me: “we can just meet them in a restaurant”. I told him: “you can go, I will not. I am not comfortable”. Thursday was the day when they were supposed to arrive but they came too late so lady friend said “go ahead and rest as we ran into traffic and will be checking in the hotel late.”  I silently breathed a sigh of relief because we are supposed to go out of town on Friday and husband did tell lady friend about it. That night, the out of town trip was called off because the people we were going to stay with we’re unavailable as their whole family was sick. 

But it turns out that husband told lady friend that we are not going to be out of town after all so we can meet up at a restaurant. Husband again asked me and I said “no, I told you yesterday, I am not coming”. He asked the boys to accompany him but the boys refused. 

And he still wanted to go. He had changed into outside clothes when I lost it! 

I was yelling at the top of my lungs: ” I cannot believe that you are still going even though I told you that I do not feel comfortable about this! And we had an out! How will they know that we did not push through with our out of town plans?”  He was yelling back: ” I cannot believe you, she is a friend and nothing more and I just want to meet up as friends!” 

I said: “put yourself in my place” to which he replied:”I’m fine with it because I trust you”. I tried to explain that this is not about trust – it is about being considerate as to what your partner feels about the whole situation. Why do you still insist on going when you know how hurt I am about this whole thing? 

He didn’t get the point. He still thinks that he is innocent, that I am over reacting, that I am being jealous and unreasonable. 

Sunday was Father’s Day so we made peace. 

But it is now Monday and I am still hurting. 

I am hoping that by writing this down, that the pain will ease a bit. 

I hope the pain goes away. 

I’m Not Here

Today was a weird day.
Surreal.
As if I was living a life not my own –
doing things that were common
yet alien to me.
As if I was watching a movie
and not living another day in my life .
As if I was there
but not.
And at the end of the day,
I am still unable to shake the feeling.
I was here.
But not. 

Published in: on May 21, 2017 at 2:47 am  Leave a Comment  
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Windy Days and Cool Nights

There is something
about windy days
and cool nights
that takes me back to the past.
I turn pensive
and I pause
feel the wind on my face,
look up at the sky,
at the stars
and I smile.
I remember
the me
I used to be.

Published in: on March 19, 2017 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Brain Dead 

I thought that I have chased the demons away

The cobwebs that slowly crept in my brain

The fog that covers my mind

The emptiness, the blank, the hollow.

But – 

They’re back

Or maybe

They never left. 

Of Christmas trees and flickering lights 

  For the first time in forever,
there was no sadness nor loneliness.
None of the melancholy I feel
every Christmas time.

The tree is up,
the lights are on
and I am so glad to be home.

Colder days, awesome nights

      

It is getting colder again and I am happy. 

There is something about the cool breeze on my face,
the moon shining bright above
and the stillness of the night
that evokes nostalgia in me.
Good memories, mostly.
Memories of my youth,
of innocence
and simpler times. 

And so I wait
for the night time —
where I can go back
to what once was
and smile
as I remember. 

Lost

I cry
For the me that i lost
For the me that was strong
For the me who says what she wants to say,
do what she wants to do

I wish
One day I will find my voice
I will stand up on my own,
say what I want to say
Do what i want to do.

I wonder
When
And how
And where?

Published in: on October 7, 2016 at 10:13 pm  Leave a Comment  

You Without Me

I only see you in pictures now
Not ones you send, no.

We do not talk
we do not communicate
Instead we observe each other
from a distance
both not wanting to let
the other know.

Today I saw a picture of you –
being happy without me
having a life outside
of us
of what we used to be.

You are better off without me
you are where you should be
you deserve
someone
anyone
but me.