Of Christmas trees and flickering lights 

  For the first time in forever,
there was no sadness nor loneliness.
None of the melancholy I feel
every Christmas time.

The tree is up,
the lights are on
and I am so glad to be home.

I’m Not Okay


It’s Christmas time and yes I am afraid. Because for some unknown reason, every Christmas to me marks a time of sadness, darkness, frustration and helplessness.

Today, my husband and I put up the tree. And my mood quickly went from uncaring to somber. I tried to go on and hoped that he wouldn’t notice. But he did. He tried by changing the music – not Christmas music, I said. And he did change it but my mood just didn’t perk up. I tried to do things- get stuff from the attic, getting the boys to help and decoration with what I have on hand. He asked me again: “are you okay”
Me: “I am not okay”
Him:”what can I do to help you?”
Me: “nothing, just don’t mind me”
Him : “because it affects me, you know?”
And the tone was in the snap-out-of-it-because-I’m-sick-of-it tone. The it-is-affecting-my-mood-and-I-hate-to-be-bothered. He wanted me to change my mood because it is such an inconvenience to him.

So here I am again. I thought I was okay.
But I am not.

I Will Survive

Christmas has come and gone and I still feel like a train ran over me. That week before Christmas has been horrible. I had a sinus infection where I felt like an anvil has been sitting on my head forever. FH had bronchitis, his hacking cough felt like a train screeching to a halt on Union Station. G had a sinus infection as well which prevented him from going to school for the last week before the holidays. Which meant I had to stay home with him and cancel my Christmas shopping. Thank God for the stash of gifts I have lying around in my dresser. You see, sometimes bargain shopping does pay off. I shop every-time I see sale items and hide it in my dresser so that in case of emergencies like last minute birthday parties and such, I have the dresser to shop from. And so that’s what happened during the last week before Christmas. I was busily shopping for gifts from my dresser. And thank God for last year’s gift bag off season sale, I had enough gift bags for everyone.

My sister and her family came over and so did my Mom. We had a great time bonding amid the wrapping papers and food. And speaking of food! We had food enough to feed an army! I managed to cook and bake and spruce up the house a little bit for the guests. Guests did come bearing food too. Desserts mostly, but it did help a lot. I think I gained 20 lbs over the holidays once again.

I did not get my iPhone. 😦 But it’s okay. Our finances isn’t as good this year and I insisted that I receive no gifts from Santa (ahem, FH!) What was important was that we all got better just in time for Christmas.

I was glad I survived Christmas and had enough energy and was in good spirits to party for the New Year.

Published in: on January 3, 2008 at 6:39 pm  Comments (6)  

Mary Got Run Over by a Reindeer

I have been battling a horrible, dry, hacking cough and headache for a week now. My youngest son G is too. I think I got it from him and I feel horrible and so does he. FH was at the doctor’s and was diagnosed with bronchitis. I had to go yesterday and was diagnosed with sinus infection. We’re both on antibiotics but G isn’t. He only had to take a decongestant. I blame the really cold weather which makes us turn on the heater producing dry air. No amount of humidifiers in our house can battle the dry, hot air. I curse the cold weather again.

So glad I got my Christmas shopping out of the way. And I’m so glad I had the foresight to wrap the gifts early so I don’t have to while I was feeling crummy. I am still nursing a really bad headache when I had to go and run some errands. One of which was going to the post office to ship some eBay items. As I was standing in line at the P.O., I was mentally kicking myself: what the heck was I thinking? Timing the auction so that it’ll end on a high traffic holiday shipping extravaganza? I blame the meds I’ve been taking.

I haven’t cooked in days. Thank God for take-out and pre-packaged meals. My family must be feeling like we are a military barracks eating RTO rations. Oh well, they’ll live.

I’ve managed to bake up a storm prior to all these. I made food for the gods, banana nut loaf, pecan tarts and steamed some embutido (Filipino meatloaf, I guess?) which I promptly distributed to the giftees. I have yet to bake more stuff for the Christmas party which will be held here at our home. What were we thinking? Hosting a Christmas party at our home? There will be about 7 families coming over. For this, I blame no one.

And so, here I am, nursing a headache like a hungover college student on spring break in Mexico. I feel like I have been run over by a reindeer and Christmas is biting me in the a**.

Published in: on December 22, 2007 at 11:35 pm  Comments (9)