Ashley Madison-ish Dreams

  

I have long been having these recurrent dreams concerning an ex and it has always bothered me. I feel like I have cheated even though it is just in my dreams. I feel guilty the next day and at the same time I question myself: Aren’t dreams supposed to be your subconscious telling you something? That your deepest wishes comes out in your dreams? And even though I will forever have these what if’s in my life, I think that we are both better off without each other – my ex and I. No, he is better off without me. So why the dream when I have reconciled this particular what if in my life? 

Today, I finally got my answer. Thank God for my therapist who is so worth the $30.00 co-pay. 

She explained that considering all the stress that I have been under lately, it is but normal for me to subconsciously go back to my innocent, happy point in my life. Which happens to be during the time I was with my ex. She said that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I wanted it to happen or that I wish I was back together with him, it is some sort of a coping mechanism for me. We tend to retreat to somewhere comfortable and familiar, she said. 

I have always thought it was just me. Today I finally found out that this is pretty common. 

Hey, I’m normal after all. No membership to Ashley Madison neccessary. 

When I’m Gone

Image credits: lorispring

For the first time in my entire life, I had fleeting thoughts of being gone. That I will be better off gone than alive, present and miserable. It scared me afterwards but the feeling that I will be free of my pain was very tempting.

I told my therapist who suggested marriage counseling. To address the problem and to let my husband know that I am miserable. That his controlling ways have left me inadequate, inferior and scared.

I should have seen it – from the very first stages of our relationship he did a lot of things that, looking back – was very controlling, selfish and mean.

Case in point: I love fashion ever since I was a kid, wearing scarves, accessorizing. And when I was a teenager and in my 20’s, I had fun with expressing myself by wearing what I want. My now husband told me then that I should tone down my dressing style. And I did. He didn’t want male friends to be too close to me. My male friends noticed and they told him so. My best friend warned me about him, one of my male friends said he kissed and tell. I lost my male friends, my childhood friends, and my best friend.

All of these I never saw before. If I did, I justified it by thinking that since he’s older, he has this “I’m in charge personality”. Instead of controlled, I felt protected and sheltered.

Fast forward 20 something years later – he has not changed. Any single thing that I do, I do it wrong. Almost anything that I like, he blocks, disapproves, he negates. If I so much as leave home and spend time with my girlfriends – he calls me every 30 minutes to an hour. He gets mad when I do things with other people, or when he sees me having fun. Relatives visit and although he entertains, cooks and talk to them, he is mean to me and demands that my attention not be diverted. He has a set goal for me and the kids – he is big on title, brought on my his strict, egocentric upbringing. Older son has to be a doctor, younger son can be a dentist or can also be a doctor. And me? He wants me to have that title – to define me. Because otherwise, he can’t tell people what I am doing. One time he told me that I should take a master’s degree or else I will be answering phones the rest of my life. My co-worker was so mad! “Does he know what you do? That is an insult to you, how valuable you are to the company. How dedicated you are to your job”. I just shrug my shoulders.

Last month, I just had it. And that’s when that fleeting thought came to me. I know that if I run away he is going to find ways. He is vindictive and mean. I told him once or twice: “you are the meanest person I know.” And so I thought, I will finally be free – to choose, to be me – without judgment, without disapproval, without being made to feel so small.

Published in: on August 15, 2015 at 8:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Spring Has Sprung

  And so it begins, another Winter finally ended. Dark, cold, depressing days giving way to sunshine, life and hope. Of beginnings and the promise of a new life. reinventing, improving. 

I will be optimistic. I am trying my best , putting more effort on moving on, of living. 

i am back to running. i have joined the May push-up challenge. i have been watching what i eat. i am trying to clean, organize, cook, but have yet to go back to baking. 

one day at a time. 

Published in: on May 6, 2015 at 9:42 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Lost Not Found

She talks animatedly, using gestures, her whole body turned towards me. Her eyes twinkle as she recounts the road trip she and her Mom took cross country. She described to me little tidbits of the cities and towns that they passed during the journey. “I hate Texas!” , she says. And proceeded to enumerate the things she hated about Texas with the same passion she displayed earlier. “I love all the national parks, we need more funding for the national parks”, she says.  I laugh, I gasp, I am amazed and take in all her stories, all her emotions. 

This is my co-worker. The girl who spends most of her time in front of the computer – stoic, monotonous. She comes in daily, says hi, exchange pleasantries and just sits there. You tell her something and she responds, still facing the computer. Monosyllabic responses. 

Every once in a while she becomes this – the animated girl who has seen most of the world, experienced almost everything, had it all. Most of the time she is the employee who comes in, does the job half-heartedly and leaves early. 

There are times when I wanted to ask – what happened to you? Why did a child genius end up not finishing college, got married at 16, left home at 18, got married to a man 15 years her senior? Why do you do this job where you sit in front of the computer where the work you do is mechanical, unthinking, not using your brain? 

But I do not ask. I wait for the day when she chooses to tell me herself, without prodding, without questioning. 

And I hope one day she finds what she has lost. 

Published in: on February 27, 2015 at 9:08 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I’m Not Okay

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It’s Christmas time and yes I am afraid. Because for some unknown reason, every Christmas to me marks a time of sadness, darkness, frustration and helplessness.

Today, my husband and I put up the tree. And my mood quickly went from uncaring to somber. I tried to go on and hoped that he wouldn’t notice. But he did. He tried by changing the music – not Christmas music, I said. And he did change it but my mood just didn’t perk up. I tried to do things- get stuff from the attic, getting the boys to help and decoration with what I have on hand. He asked me again: “are you okay”
Me: “I am not okay”
Him:”what can I do to help you?”
Me: “nothing, just don’t mind me”
Him : “because it affects me, you know?”
And the tone was in the snap-out-of-it-because-I’m-sick-of-it tone. The it-is-affecting-my-mood-and-I-hate-to-be-bothered. He wanted me to change my mood because it is such an inconvenience to him.

So here I am again. I thought I was okay.
But I am not.

Life Goes On

We all do what we think is necessary in order to survive. We deal with what is handed to us and try to do the best we can. And then hope against hope that whatever decisions we make will be the right one.

But that is not always the case. We make mistakes, we learn from our mistakes, and then move on.

For some, this is how life goes. For some, we get stuck in a rut and bang our heads for being the “losers” that we are.

Life is hard. We have all these emotions that we try our best to control, to express, to feel. And sometimes we let it get the best of us – we do things without thinking it through, not caring about the outcome or what the ramifications are. And then we try our best to move on.

Life goes on, whether we want to or not.

Published in: on December 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm  Leave a Comment  

Week 3 – Anniversary

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Thanksgiving 2013 will go down in my personal history as the time I was at my lowest. I was in a deep dark hole and I was unable to get out of the rut I was in. That time, I finally acknowledged that I have major depression. And I know I needed help. I have, after all, had a most recent experience with my son.

One year later and I am seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have been taking medication on a daily basis while I struggle day by day. And last week, as I was bracing for the “anniversary”, I made plans. I refused to be in the same deep hole as before.

I invited people for thanksgiving, I bought craft materials, just in case,  bought a book and made plans to clean and organize the house. Things were looking up.

Or so I thought.

3 days before Thanksgiving, I had an argument with my sister.

2 days before Thanksgiving, I learned that the person we planned the get-together with was not coming. After I called and asked to confirm that they’ll come and to make sure meal planning will be in order.

1 day before thanksgiving, I saw my therapist. And we talked about all that have transpired leading to the anniversary.

I am doing okay though. It was just my family but we gave thanks as we shared a meal, had a movie night and as it turns out – a friend and cousin came for Thanksgiving and we had 2 glasses of margarita each.

Overall, the anniversary turned out okay.

Week 2 – I’m okay. So far.

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So I met with my therapist the other day. I almost canceled at the last minute. Chickened out, really. The weather was bad, I misplaced my glasses and I will be waiting longer in the waiting room, etc.

But I did go. And I am so glad I did.

We talked about all the coincidences – a lot of people leaving my life one way or another. I am a person who gets easily attached to people, places and things. I told her I did not expect the impact of my shrink leaving to be such a big deal that it drove me to tears.

She thinks because my shrink is male that I might have transferred some of my frustrations with my husband. And that I have somehow felt that he filled the hole that my husband left with regards to listening to my thoughts and understanding me. Which was funny because during my last session with him (and not knowing that it was going to be our last session), I was thinking in my head: “I am getting attached. This is not good. There might be some transference thing going on”
I was actually thinking of finding another psychiatrist.

Just didn’t expect that it was going to be sooner than I expected.

Maybe it’s for the best. To be honest, I do have a thing for geeky guys with glasses. Not that I was thinking of being in an affair but knowing that I might get too attached.

Which my therapist did say is one of my flaws – I get too attached easily.

Cut the cord. Rip the band-aid off. It’s over.

Image credits: http://www.timcruse.com

Published in: on November 23, 2014 at 10:05 pm  Leave a Comment  
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