Lost Not Found

She talks animatedly, using gestures, her whole body turned towards me. Her eyes twinkle as she recounts the road trip she and her Mom took cross country. She described to me little tidbits of the cities and towns that they passed during the journey. “I hate Texas!” , she says. And proceeded to enumerate the things she hated about Texas with the same passion she displayed earlier. “I love all the national parks, we need more funding for the national parks”, she says.  I laugh, I gasp, I am amazed and take in all her stories, all her emotions. 

This is my co-worker. The girl who spends most of her time in front of the computer – stoic, monotonous. She comes in daily, says hi, exchange pleasantries and just sits there. You tell her something and she responds, still facing the computer. Monosyllabic responses. 

Every once in a while she becomes this – the animated girl who has seen most of the world, experienced almost everything, had it all. Most of the time she is the employee who comes in, does the job half-heartedly and leaves early. 

There are times when I wanted to ask – what happened to you? Why did a child genius end up not finishing college, got married at 16, left home at 18, got married to a man 15 years her senior? Why do you do this job where you sit in front of the computer where the work you do is mechanical, unthinking, not using your brain? 

But I do not ask. I wait for the day when she chooses to tell me herself, without prodding, without questioning. 

And I hope one day she finds what she has lost. 

Published in: on February 27, 2015 at 9:08 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I’m Not Okay

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It’s Christmas time and yes I am afraid. Because for some unknown reason, every Christmas to me marks a time of sadness, darkness, frustration and helplessness.

Today, my husband and I put up the tree. And my mood quickly went from uncaring to somber. I tried to go on and hoped that he wouldn’t notice. But he did. He tried by changing the music – not Christmas music, I said. And he did change it but my mood just didn’t perk up. I tried to do things- get stuff from the attic, getting the boys to help and decoration with what I have on hand. He asked me again: “are you okay”
Me: “I am not okay”
Him:”what can I do to help you?”
Me: “nothing, just don’t mind me”
Him : “because it affects me, you know?”
And the tone was in the snap-out-of-it-because-I’m-sick-of-it tone. The it-is-affecting-my-mood-and-I-hate-to-be-bothered. He wanted me to change my mood because it is such an inconvenience to him.

So here I am again. I thought I was okay.
But I am not.

Life Goes On

We all do what we think is necessary in order to survive. We deal with what is handed to us and try to do the best we can. And then hope against hope that whatever decisions we make will be the right one.

But that is not always the case. We make mistakes, we learn from our mistakes, and then move on.

For some, this is how life goes. For some, we get stuck in a rut and bang our heads for being the “losers” that we are.

Life is hard. We have all these emotions that we try our best to control, to express, to feel. And sometimes we let it get the best of us – we do things without thinking it through, not caring about the outcome or what the ramifications are. And then we try our best to move on.

Life goes on, whether we want to or not.

Published in: on December 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm  Leave a Comment  

Week 3 – Anniversary

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Thanksgiving 2013 will go down in my personal history as the time I was at my lowest. I was in a deep dark hole and I was unable to get out of the rut I was in. That time, I finally acknowledged that I have major depression. And I know I needed help. I have, after all, had a most recent experience with my son.

One year later and I am seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have been taking medication on a daily basis while I struggle day by day. And last week, as I was bracing for the “anniversary”, I made plans. I refused to be in the same deep hole as before.

I invited people for thanksgiving, I bought craft materials, just in case,  bought a book and made plans to clean and organize the house. Things were looking up.

Or so I thought.

3 days before Thanksgiving, I had an argument with my sister.

2 days before Thanksgiving, I learned that the person we planned the get-together with was not coming. After I called and asked to confirm that they’ll come and to make sure meal planning will be in order.

1 day before thanksgiving, I saw my therapist. And we talked about all that have transpired leading to the anniversary.

I am doing okay though. It was just my family but we gave thanks as we shared a meal, had a movie night and as it turns out – a friend and cousin came for Thanksgiving and we had 2 glasses of margarita each.

Overall, the anniversary turned out okay.

Week 2 – I’m okay. So far.

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So I met with my therapist the other day. I almost canceled at the last minute. Chickened out, really. The weather was bad, I misplaced my glasses and I will be waiting longer in the waiting room, etc.

But I did go. And I am so glad I did.

We talked about all the coincidences – a lot of people leaving my life one way or another. I am a person who gets easily attached to people, places and things. I told her I did not expect the impact of my shrink leaving to be such a big deal that it drove me to tears.

She thinks because my shrink is male that I might have transferred some of my frustrations with my husband. And that I have somehow felt that he filled the hole that my husband left with regards to listening to my thoughts and understanding me. Which was funny because during my last session with him (and not knowing that it was going to be our last session), I was thinking in my head: “I am getting attached. This is not good. There might be some transference thing going on”
I was actually thinking of finding another psychiatrist.

Just didn’t expect that it was going to be sooner than I expected.

Maybe it’s for the best. To be honest, I do have a thing for geeky guys with glasses. Not that I was thinking of being in an affair but knowing that I might get too attached.

Which my therapist did say is one of my flaws – I get too attached easily.

Cut the cord. Rip the band-aid off. It’s over.

Image credits: http://www.timcruse.com

Published in: on November 23, 2014 at 10:05 pm  Leave a Comment  

Week 1: Slowly But Surely

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And so I was able to get through the week. I buried myself in work and tried my best to keep busy – physically and emotionally. And it worked. My days seemed shorter as I was able to find things that needed my attention. My OCD tendencies proved to be a big help this time. My love of organizing things when the mood hits me proved to be beneficial. The days would end with me exhausted but hopeful for the next day, what task I will tackle tomorrow.

The days have gotten colder. And as my “anniversary”, the time I was officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder, is drawing near, I brace myself. I have acknowledged that I might go down into a downward spiral again. But I take it one day, one step at a time.

I invited people over, I am getting rid of stuff that does not work for us anymore, and it is both cathartic and euphoric.

I have yet to meet with my therapist. I will see her next week and will recount my tale of abandonment.

I am trying very hard to be positive though. I will get through this. I will.

Image credits: http://www.fanpop.com

Published in: on November 14, 2014 at 10:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Saying Goodbye – When Relationships Ends

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Scene 1:
a woman, trying to hold back tears as she says goodbye. She quickly collects her things – cellphone, pen, paper, contents that spilled when she accidentally knocked it to the side. “This is embarrassing”, she says, as she tried so hard to hide and wipe her tears at the same time. “Don’t be”, he says, his face in her hazy vision, that of a solemn, sorry expression. He told her she will be able to get past this. He produces papers- plans, directions, she had no idea as she hastily puts them all in her purse. “Goodbye, thank you for everything”. She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t trust herself – I might break down, she thinks to herself. And so she turns her back, opens the door, at the same time fumbling with her keys. She hurriedly runs to her car, turns the ignition on. Realizes he can see her from the window, she backs out and drives off.

Scene 2:
It was only after she turned on the next street did she let her tears fall away. Sobs, wails, breaks down, big fat ugly tears. The sound so foreign she didn’t think it was coming from her. And she couldn’t stop it. How could he? He knows the last one left her too. He could have been more gentle instead of just ripping the band aid off.
She drives, crying and driving in rush hour traffic. Not really caring if somebody sees her. Her whole body quakes as she sobs – continuously, endlessly.

Scenes from a movie? No, this is real life – the emotions are real. The pain is felt deep to the core.
This was me. Today, when my psychiatrist told me he is leaving.

I love going to the movies – seeing these images that tugs at your heart strings and you feel bad for the actors in the movie, for all the pain they are going through. Certain scenes, events, resonates with you and you feel sympathetic.

In this, I am the actor. Except —
I was not acting.

I feel like someone in my life, in my world – not the movie world, died.

And I am left to pick up the pieces.

Facebook, Twitter, Social Media & Me

It took me so long before I finally succumbed to the evil that is Facebook. The brag book of the current time, I resisted creating an account even though everybody I know was wondering why they can’t find and “friend” me.

And so I did. I started with a few friends, only the close ones, family and some of my co-workers.

And it grew and grew. Before I knew it, I have about 559 “friends”.

It all started out innocently- updating on friends’ lives, seeing how they’re doing, where they’re at, how they look like. Then it became a little stalkerish- where did they spend the weekend and with whom? And then it became a moral issue- a “friend” suddenly unfriended me, I think she was trying to get rid of her friends pre-boob job. Some people who post religious stuff got to be too preachy and holier than thou= hide posts. A friend who only posts selfies (real close-up selfies!) = hide posts. Then you see supposed friends who went someplace else when they canceled on you at the last minute because they were “sick”. And why do I not get that many likes nor comments on my posts? Feeling of inadequacy and questioning my self-worth, I finally decided to be “inactive”. And now I get the questions as to why I’m never on Facebook.

I did twitter so that I can join fellow “Beauty and the Beast” fans to get the show trending and to get a second season. We got the second season. Done. I have stopped posting now.

I did Get Glue to help with ratings of TV shows that I liked, only to have said shows canceled after a few episodes/seasons (Revolution? Are you kidding me? That was an awesome show!)

Instagram started out because I “followed” these two celebrities (cheesy, I know, don’t judge me). And I like looking at fashion and cupcakes. It has been 6 months since I posted anything.

Will I fall prey to yet another? We shall see.

Published in: on September 9, 2014 at 11:32 pm  Leave a Comment  
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