From a previous entry from my old blog

October 13th, 2006, 08:47 am

My favorite quote of the week – Grey’s Anatomy

“Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. The stakes are painful. They’re the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. And I know what I want.” (from GA season 3 epi 3)
Here’s my take:

We all make mistakes especially in our youth and later on, it kind of defines who we are. We learn from our mistakes and hope against hope we don’t commit the same mistakes. People get hurt along the way. Sometimes not deliberately. Some people will never forgive us for our mistakes, as if they never committed mistakes in their lives themselves. But we go on with our lives and do the best that we can.

Not everyone gets second chances, sometimes they are branded for life. Some people never get back on their feet and buries themselves deeper in sorrow and anguish and depression. Others bounce right back, shrug it off and just do the best they can. I would like to believe I belong to the latter. I did encounter lots of trials and tribulations and I have managed to emerge a well rounded person (I hope). I think those mistakes that I made in my youth made me a better person. And I know what I want. I am older and wiser and I have learned a lot from my mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to learn and live.

image credits: google

Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Live and Let Go 

I stare at him across the table. He looks tired but still manages to tell us about his day – how this is one of the busiest time at his workplace and how he was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. We listen to him, his brother looks on, hanging on his every word. His Dad nods as they sit side by side. 

He said he is working more hours, one of his co-workers he really likes is moving away and so is his manager. He is sad, he says but is okay. He is growing up, my son. 

He moved away, after all, to be independent. And so far he seems to be doing fine. 

I, however, am not.  

I still feel sad whenever he leaves, I miss him a lot. I can’t help but get all choked up whenever I pass by his room. His door that creaks whenever he opens it is now eerily silent.

 I keep his bed clean with crisp sheets, his favorite comforter and his fleece blanket in the hopes that he will once again lay there. 

Each time he comes to visit, I drop everything and make sure I give him my full attention. I over feed him and make him take more food – from the fridge, the pantry, the table. 

It doesn’t get easier. Each time he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart. I hug him and tell him I love him, be careful driving. He assures me he will and that he loves me too. 

He leaves and I stay standing at the door until his car is no longer visible. I go back to whatever I was doing, trying hard to make it as I die a thousand times deep inside. 



Published in: on November 22, 2015 at 12:17 am  Leave a Comment  

You’re Beautiful 

People have always compared me and my sister. Born a year apart, my mom would dress us in the exact same clothes, confusing people into thinking we were twins. Until the day when people “branded” us. She’s the pretty one and I was the smart one. Some would look at us and say to my sister: “oh you’ve grown up so beautifully” and then turns to me and says “don’t worry, you’re the smart one”. I felt like I was the consolation prize. 

Up to this day, we are still being compared. Especially since she has the boobs, pretty and younger looking and I am shorter, flat-chested and plain looking. And now that she has moved in with us, people are still making observations about how we look alike but so different. She’s the better version, the latest model and I am last year’s fashion. 

My husband, bless his heart, insists that I am beautiful. I want to believe him, I do. But it is so hard since the day we were together and people were wondering why he picked me. My own mother even made a remark: “oh he likes her because he found out she has a crush on him”. And because of that, I made a vow to make the relationship work. Because I wanted to prove her wrong. 

Add to this, I gained weight recently due to a new medication I am taking. So now I am not only plain, shorter and flat-chested, I am also fat. 

Forgive my rant – I am suffering from very low self-esteem. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  

image credits : mujerde10.com

Published in: on November 18, 2015 at 8:00 pm  Comments (1)  
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Don’t Worry, Be Happy 


My older son recently moved out. He has been out of our home for a little over a month now and I can finally talk about it without my eyes glossing over. 

It was bittersweet when he asked our permission that he was moving out. We were happy that he is spreading his wings and broadening his horizons. That he will finally learn to be independent. After all, one of my daily sermons was: “your Dad and I will not be here forever so try to learn how to fend for yourself”. But suddenly when you are in that moment, no matter how much you prepare, it is still a sad event. 

The first 3 days went on, my husband broke down on the 3rd day. He was bawling like I’ve never seen him since his Dad’s death 20 years ago. I comforted him and he was impressed that I was taking it much better than he is. 

Until the 7th day. 

It hit me at the cleaning aisle of the Home Depot, which, thank God, ws empty. Turns out mine was a delayed reaction. 

Fast forward and today marks the 38th day and my younger son’s bday. We all met at the restaurant. He came in hurriedly from work. “Sorry”, he says “I hope you all didn’t have to wait long”. He looked happy as he animatedly recounted his kitchen adventures and how he is teaching his 2 roommates how to cook as well. How he started his work-out regime and his “portion-control-and-not-a-lot-of-carbs/rice” diet. He looked good, healthy and happy. 

And just like that – everything is alright with my world again.


Published in: on November 8, 2015 at 9:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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Lying awake at 1:27 am

Trying to find the words

What am I feeling? 

Why can’t I sleep? 

How do I make myself go to sleep? 

Maybe I need to talk to my therapist

It has been a while since I went. 

Maybe the tea I drank is keeping me awake

Maybe I have been used to sleeping alone

And now that he is back, 

My world has changed again. 

Published in: on November 7, 2015 at 2:38 am  Leave a Comment  


I stay in the darkness as nocturnal creatures make their presence known with their sounds. My mind is blank and I have no idea what to do. I have no desire to clean or organize – my usual habits to kill time and feel a sense of accomplishment. I hear cars passing by, night owls who are just starting their day. I was once one of them – enjoying the bright lights and loud music. I am no more. 

I do not feel sad or lonely. I am just uneasy. I feel like I should be doing something productive, that I should be filling my time with activities or catching up on my reading. I have no desire to do anything. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark sunroom. Listening to chirps and frog calls and cars whizzing by. 

I am alone. But not lonely. 

Published in: on November 6, 2015 at 9:58 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Ashley Madison-ish Dreams


I have long been having these recurrent dreams concerning an ex and it has always bothered me. I feel like I have cheated even though it is just in my dreams. I feel guilty the next day and at the same time I question myself: Aren’t dreams supposed to be your subconscious telling you something? That your deepest wishes comes out in your dreams? And even though I will forever have these what if’s in my life, I think that we are both better off without each other – my ex and I. No, he is better off without me. So why the dream when I have reconciled this particular what if in my life? 

Today, I finally got my answer. Thank God for my therapist who is so worth the $30.00 co-pay. 

She explained that considering all the stress that I have been under lately, it is but normal for me to subconsciously go back to my innocent, happy point in my life. Which happens to be during the time I was with my ex. She said that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I wanted it to happen or that I wish I was back together with him, it is some sort of a coping mechanism for me. We tend to retreat to somewhere comfortable and familiar, she said. 

I have always thought it was just me. Today I finally found out that this is pretty common. 

Hey, I’m normal after all. No membership to Ashley Madison neccessary. 

When I’m Gone

Image credits: lorispring

For the first time in my entire life, I had fleeting thoughts of being gone. That I will be better off gone than alive, present and miserable. It scared me afterwards but the feeling that I will be free of my pain was very tempting.

I told my therapist who suggested marriage counseling. To address the problem and to let my husband know that I am miserable. That his controlling ways have left me inadequate, inferior and scared.

I should have seen it – from the very first stages of our relationship he did a lot of things that, looking back – was very controlling, selfish and mean.

Case in point: I love fashion ever since I was a kid, wearing scarves, accessorizing. And when I was a teenager and in my 20’s, I had fun with expressing myself by wearing what I want. My now husband told me then that I should tone down my dressing style. And I did. He didn’t want male friends to be too close to me. My male friends noticed and they told him so. My best friend warned me about him, one of my male friends said he kissed and tell. I lost my male friends, my childhood friends, and my best friend.

All of these I never saw before. If I did, I justified it by thinking that since he’s older, he has this “I’m in charge personality”. Instead of controlled, I felt protected and sheltered.

Fast forward 20 something years later – he has not changed. Any single thing that I do, I do it wrong. Almost anything that I like, he blocks, disapproves, he negates. If I so much as leave home and spend time with my girlfriends – he calls me every 30 minutes to an hour. He gets mad when I do things with other people, or when he sees me having fun. Relatives visit and although he entertains, cooks and talk to them, he is mean to me and demands that my attention not be diverted. He has a set goal for me and the kids – he is big on title, brought on my his strict, egocentric upbringing. Older son has to be a doctor, younger son can be a dentist or can also be a doctor. And me? He wants me to have that title – to define me. Because otherwise, he can’t tell people what I am doing. One time he told me that I should take a master’s degree or else I will be answering phones the rest of my life. My co-worker was so mad! “Does he know what you do? That is an insult to you, how valuable you are to the company. How dedicated you are to your job”. I just shrug my shoulders.

Last month, I just had it. And that’s when that fleeting thought came to me. I know that if I run away he is going to find ways. He is vindictive and mean. I told him once or twice: “you are the meanest person I know.” And so I thought, I will finally be free – to choose, to be me – without judgment, without disapproval, without being made to feel so small.

Published in: on August 15, 2015 at 8:00 pm  Comments (2)  
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