The Continuing Saga of the Insensitive Friend

Insensitive friend strikes again!
IF: Hey, whatchadoin?
Me: Oh, you know, puttering around the house.
IF: I am so bored! I don’t know how you do it!
Me: Well…
IF: I mean, how can you stay at home day in and day out, attending to your children’s and husband’s needs? Don’t you get bored? I am so glad my maternity leave ends in a few weeks. But you! You’re stuck there for the long haul.
Me: You see, (formulating a snappy comeback)
IF: Well, gotta go, the baby needs to be fed.
Me: (reluctantly)Bye.

“What a Waste!”

I was with some of my friends and in the course of the conversation , somebody mentioned a friend of ours who suddenly had to stop working. Here’s how the conversation went:

Friend1: Is she working right now?
Me: No. She’s staying home with her 3 year old. (she has another daughter who’s in school)
Friend2: She said she enroled her 3 year old at the daycare center and her daughter didn’t like it there.
Friend1: Really? What a waste!
Me: Well, that’s fine as it’s a temporary thing. (They were going to move so it wouldn’t make sense. But she didn’t want to divulge details)
Friend2: Yes, it’s fine by her. It’s her choice.
Friend1: Such a shame because she’s a nurse.
But Friend1 kept on saying that it’s such a shame that this friend of hers is staying at home and not working. She kept saying that it’s such a waste. I was deeply affected by this because hello! Number one, I am not working either. So does that make me a waste too? Does she feel that I am wasting my time staying at home with my kids? Doesn’t she understand that there are sacrifices parents do for their children? That it’s a temporary thing and one day she’s going back to work again? I was reeling from shock because I did not expect that this friend of ours had the audacity to say those things in front of me. I was the only SAHM present and I was too dumbfounded to say anything. I let it slide but told my husband about it that night.
Me: Babe, did you know that Friend1 thought that it’s such a shame that our friend is staying at home with her kids right now? She kept saying “what a waste” as if that’s a forever thing.
TheFisherman: Well, sometimes other people do not see beyond the here and now.

That was food for thought. And I had to agree. There are people who thinks that just because I’m a SAHM I have all the time in the world. The reactions usually is of :
a) envy - wow, how lucky you are! you get to stay at home all day and shop and do lots of fun things!
b) disgust - well, can’t you work part time? your kids are tweens now, they can handle themselves.
c) demeaning - oh really? I guess not all of us wants a career and earn money
I do not know how to reply every time because it’s none of their business. I do not feel the need to explain myself and enumerating all the reasons and stating all the pros and cons. Nor do I feel like going through the financial report of our household. But there are times when I am so tempted to step up to my soapbox and really tell them everything. But that’s a waste of my time and energy. 

Bits and Pieces

There was something about the way my son C was talking yesterday that made me realize that he’s 11 years old now. It wasn’t the content or the essence of what he was saying. It was the way he said it - his voice, his intonation, his expression, his gestures. He acted almost like a teenager. I didn’t know how to react - would i be sad because he’s growing up and has lost some of the “innocence” or should i be happy because he is becoming his own person, developing his sense of identity. In the end i decided on both. Motherhood is overwhelming at times. Not to mention how age is creeping up on me. I feel so old these days. I feel like i am sprouting up gray hairs every day. Wrinkles are making an appearance on my face. The bags under my eyes are getting puffier and the tummy pouch is getting harder and harder to get rid of by the minute. And so yeah, i feel old. And your son showing signs of aging kind of reminds you of that even more. My husband still insists on having another baby. “We produce good looking babies” as if it’s the latest product on the market - “newer! better packaging! new look!” I refuse to budge. The thought of bringing a baby in this world once again where i have to battle with strollers and car seats is very intimidating. Heck, I can’t even get my niece out of her car seat! Both my sons don’t want another baby brother or sister. “Too much work” they said. 

I am still going through life changes. It’s a long and winding road. But i have taken the time to pause and think otherwise it’ll drive me crazy. Still busy, but still blogging. I have a lot of plans - better looking blog, a cooking blog,regular contributions to the pmn ezine (sorry Raq and Dexie!), books to read. places to go. poems to write. stories to tell. I have a lot of them. There’s a lot of me wanting to go out and share. Until then, these are bits and pieces of me.

Bullying in School

My youngest son G just told me this morning on the way to school that he was bullied last year by a classmate of his. He was crying as he was telling me what transpired. He said a classmate of his was twisting his foot and as he was telling me that he was holding his foot. I got mad and told him: “and you’re telling me this now? why?” And he said: “because I forgot as soon as I got home”. He said he wasn’t able to tell the teacher because it was an assembly and they all had to remain quiet. After the anger came sympathy for him. My heart was breaking in pieces as I was looking at his tear-stricken face. Aren’t we supposed to shield our children from harm? Why can’t we be there for them when things like this happen? Why are there bad kids in this world? All of these things were going through my mind. Add to that the feeling of disdain and anger at the boy who did it to him. One can never explain nor put into words the emotions that a mother goes through every time her child gets hurt. Life can be tough sometimes and being a mother, you would think we’ve seen it all, experienced it all. But sometimes it gets to you. You try your best to provide a good and safe environment for your child but what’s out there - you can never guarantee. We try our best to arm our children with the necessary weapons - faith, hope, self-esteem, Taekwondo lessons and yet sometimes it’s just not enough. There will always be good and bad in everything, I know.

During times like this, mothers can’t help but feel like they failed in something. Did I forgot to tell them about bullying? Was he afraid of the kid more than he was afraid of me? Is he growing up with low self-esteem? Has he stopped believing in himself?

As soon as they get home from school we are having a talk again - about bullying, about believing in oneself, that telling doesn’t mean being wimpy and that the world is still okay. Even with the bad.

Last Day of School

It’s the last day of school for my kids. And I spent the whole day running around and driving to and fro. First, I had to drop them off to school, then after 2 hours (it was a shortened period as it was the last day and they spent the day mostly cleaning up and gathering their left-over school supplies and signing each others’ yearbooks) I had to pick up DS2. DS1 goes to a different school and his dismissal time is one hour after DS2. After picking up DS2, I belatedly remembered that I did not send a gift to DS1’s teacher so I had to hurry up and wrap one up. And then I remembered that I had to pick up DS1’s asthma inhaler from the clinic before school lets out. So I had to go to DS1’s school to 1)pick up the inhaler and 2) drop off the gift for his teacher. When we (DS2) got there, parking was scarce as there was a send off party for the 6th graders. I had to hurriedly park wherever I can (which was far) and made a mad dash to the school with DS2 in tow. I would have picked up DS1 but then I remembered that I forgot to wrap a gift for DS1’s schoolbus lady. So drive off to the house again and wrapped a gift and waited for DS1’s bus at the stop. As I was making the turn, I saw that his bus was coming along and I had to park only to see that it was not his regular bus lady but a sub. Before I can even get down from my car and try to stop the bus driver he left. So there I was sweating bullets with a gift in my hand. Oh well, I’ll just go to the school and drop it off another day.

Let me tell you - I am way more organized than this. I pride myself in being prepared way ahead. I have a drawerful of gifts for whatever occassion, a card organizer, gift bags and ribbons, the whole nine yards. But for some reason, I totally forgot about the last day of school. Boohoohoo, I’m getting old!

But seriously, life gets so overwhelming sometimes. And I’m only human after all.

Another what???

photo credits: www.babyblues.com 

For some reason, my youngest son G wants me to have a baby. When I asked him why he said “’cause I don’t have anyone to play with. Kuya (older brother) annoys me too much?” I felt really bad for him when he said that because he was on the brink of tears. My older son C is really annoying at times so G was telling the truth. C teases him a lot and G cries easily. And I deal with this every. single. day!DH wants me to have another baby too. Me? I don’t want to have any more. “It might be a girl” DH tells me. “But what if it’s another boy?Then we’ll have 3 boys now!”, I lament. “Then we’ll have to have another one then”. I roll my eyes in response to his reasoning. Seriously, they expect me to have a baby just because it might be a girl? And just because Kuya teases a lot? No freaking way! As it is with the 2 boys running all over the place I feel incredibly ancient. Jurassic even! And then they’ll add another baby to the mix? Hello! Wouldn’t I be better off with a hammer on my head?

I mean, I have been a SAHM for a while now because we didn’t want to entrust the kids’ care to just any daycare provider. And now that they’re in an age where we’re pretty confident that the right values have been inculcated and we trust their decisions, and that finally the possibility of me working again is so near I can taste it, here comes another baby? Diapers, sleepless nights, ear infections - those are the only things I can think of. Granted that the sight of a cute, chubby baby is very appealing and all but still the icky factor outweighs the cuteness factor. And so i say NO. Am I selfish for thinking this? Had we been in the Philippines where the kids can have a full time nanny and they’ll be surrounded by relatives, I wouldn’t have had second thoughts. But we are here in a country where having a nanny is almost a luxury and we are far away from relatives. And the thought of me raising yet another human being and starting from square one scares the hell out of me. So I say NO.  

My Take on Mother’s Day (the bah-humbug version)

Maybe I am in the minority but I do not like making a big deal about Mother’s Day. For me, it’s a little too commercial. We can always go out to eat and have fun on other days without standing in line for hours to go to restaurants. And then waiting for yet an hour to be served. And by the time the food’s served, I will be way too tired to enjoy the meal.

Maybe I am getting old. The noise, the standing in line gets to me now. It makes me cranky and irritated and antsy.

Maybe I just don’t want to expect a lot anymore. I have been disappointed way too many times that I have just resigned myself to the fact that I will be let down in the end.

Maybe I am getting too cynical. In this day and age, I feel like showing these emotions in just a day when you can show it anyway in other days is just too superficial to me.

Maybe I have gotten a little too picky. It used to be my husband will buy me flowers, chocolates and gifts galore and I will try to look pleased but deep inside I am wishing he spent the money on more practical things. I don’t think I deserve nice things and for the full retail price too! The horror!

Maybe I am just unhappy with how I am right now. My present state of mind and my present emotional stage in life is such at a low point. My self esteem is suffering just as well.

Maybe I am just not into this whole celebration thing.

Rants of a Stay-at-Home-Mom

While being a SAHM is a rewarding experience, there are days when we feel unappreciated, our self esteem is at a low point and we ask if there is more to life. This is one of those days… 

 It has been awhile since I have been a SAHM. True, being a stay-at-home-Mom is a full time job but still there are times when you crave adult interaction, going to work everyday, getting all dressed up instead of your usual sweats and t-shirt and sneakers. I want to be able to talk to somebody about what’s going on with the world, the latest fashion, and the latest celebrity gossip. Superficial, I know but these are a part of our daily lives that we crave. Us meaning SAHMs. I heard on the radio that the number one reason why people go to work is so they can talk to their co-workers. Where else can you get a meeting of the minds on a daily basis but at the workplace? While there are other venues as well (meetings, conferences, etc) the workplace is a totally different scenario. Your co-workers are people you see on a daily basis and whether you disagree on other topics, you can never hold a grudge for you see them everyday. There’s a certain kind of tolerance needed to get along with others that are otherwise intolerable people, office politics if you will. And while being with pleasant people can be nauseating sometimes, we need them on days that we need cheering up. A lot of factors really.

One other thing I crave is financial freedom. While DH is doesn’t mind being the sole breadwinner, it’s not okay with me. I want to earn my own money, get out there and do something important. Sure raising a child so they end up good citizens is a very important job but sometimes to be able to do so would need a content, happy mother. I feel that I can be a better mother if I work, even part time.

On Oprah a few months ago, they discussed about mothers, I believe the topic was- Can Women Have it All? A career and being a good mother? Both sides of the spectrum was discussed. There were representatives of career mothers and SAHMs. Both sides felt compelled to present their cases to the other. And both sides felt guilty of being not what the other one is. Some of the SAHMs came out so self-righteous that it looked like they were being too defensive and the career women felt guilty that they aren’t at home more with their kids but felt they had to do this for them. Some career women came out as selfish Moms. While the SAHMS felt that they are doing a huge sacrifice and should therefore be acknowledged as such. Both sides showed that each have their postive as well as negative aspects. I do not side with either one for I was at one point a career Mom and a SAHM. I did empathized on some points that both showed and felt what both sides felt.

I didn’t watch the whole show. There never is a real answer, I believe. And I don’t think Moms can have it all. There can be  a balance at times but there will be times when we just can’t handle it all. Which we don’t need to since parenting involves both the mother and the father. Mothers need to delegate. Let fathers be fathers to their kids. There is however a certain kind of expectation that Moms need to live up to. It’s overwhelming at times. But we try our very best not to mess up and hope against hope that we are doing the right thing. 

Face the Facts

We just had our pictures taken for passport renewal and my older son Ches asked for the pictures, “may I please see the pictures, Mom?” So I handed it to him and after looking at all our pics, he said: “you look pretty, Mom”. I said “No, I don’t, I look ugly in that picture”. The younger one, G chimed in and said “no you’re not ugly, you’re pretty”. I said again, “No, I’m not”. And they both said “yes you are”, then Ches added “face the facts Mom, you’re pretty!”. I laughed and G said “yeah Mom, face the facts”. DH and I laughed.